For example, we noticed that women who get blindsided by their ex (meaning they had no idea the breakup was coming) are actually more likely to obsess about their ex. You’ve already explained your side. You could have had what a part of you truly does want- really, I gave you such a gift of the opportunity to look at and overcome some of your scary stuff. Thing #3: Identify And Understand Your “Peak Experience”. It’s going to make you uncomfortable and you probably won’t like it. Additionally, I think he felt some type of way that I made more money than him as well. Learn how your comment data is processed. Four days after the breakup I officially implemented no contact. Consider these suggestions for getting back on your feet. My Promise To You- You aren’t going to find a better piece of content on the web about “blindside breakups” than this article. In other words, we have seen a lot of blindside breakups over the years and slowly but surely we began to notice certain trends that hold true with blindside breakups. Then we ended up having a conversation about “why he broke up with me” and it was somewhat tense. The other night I saw one of our mutual friends who helped us get together, and I was very bubbly and happy, talked naturally about all of the things I’ve been up to since the breakup and didn’t mention the breakup at all. I even saw in his room that he still has the candy bar and bag of chips that i was eating the night if our fight still sitting on his table. And i believe we were completely over what had happened with the guy years prior. Thank you Amor! We always said we loved each other and we would do anything to keep our relationship together. But he said no. Keep scrolling for our best tips. Connect with someone. We both have separate places btw. You have to be willing to embarrass yourself for this to work and that’s something that a lot of people won’t do. Are you getting professional help? It has been three weeks since that conversation, and I have to admit that last conversation has made NC pretty easy. Would it be ok to just send a text and ask to meet up for a meal because I would like to end this on a high rather than what we have now (both crying and hugging goodbye). In fact, I still do right now a little bit. If you came to the point of begging then you have to change that image.. And it also means, he has started to move on or lost attraction at that, it would be better to take this as a restart. I have also written a letter, which I am tempted to give to him after we’ve met up. He also said that he felt smoothered in the relationship, that he lost a bit of himself and that he knows I want to make it work/improve but he says it doesn’t happen over night and he is not ready/wants to do it. My family have been to his mum as well (we live in different countries but culture is the same), We all get along really really well. We both cried in his car for over and hour with him telling me he just couldn’t trust me and me pleading with him that he could and that it was just an accident. I just dont know how to start. This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. You see, a self actualized person would understand the reality of the situation. Then I told him I missed him, and he said he didn’t miss me in the way I hoped he did. And believe me I get how difficult this can be. If he is the type that lets you be then that means you can focus in improving yourself and getting your self esteem back and your life to grow before talking to him again. I’m trying to move into preparing texts, but I’m really nervous about how it’s going to go since it went so badly the last time (for the record, it was before I read this website and the NC rule) and I want to be able to enjoy my vacation as much as I can without worrying about him. But what she really highlights is this level. I am 24 (mature for my age) and he is 29. Spending time around them in the beginning will only hinder your ability to move on, so try to resist the urge to talk to them as much as you possibly can. I know it will be tough but I believe if I die the impression that I am sort of ok without him, he will be a bit confused even if he doesn’t want me back. Just about a month ago he took me to this really fancy restaurant one night for dinner just to tell me that he was in love with me and that he WAS going to marry me. You related it to the mistake which you shouldn’t have. Reassuring me how much he loves me. In advertatly I ended up living with him for a month(I “lost” my keys(put them in a place I never normally would and thought I lost them) at his house. Build a relationship that way. The only contact we have had was yesterday. I tried to improve, to give him space, to let him do whatever he wanted to do. This is where self actualization gets a little uncomfortable. So I decided to get up and told him I was going to go home and he said do you want to talk about it? I also thought winter break would be perfect for us to text and call and factime since we wouldn’t have school in the way. Well, assuming you are doing the no contact rule you are going to have anywhere between 21 to 45 days to start your self actualization training. He said how I need to find a better him. I didn’t cry, I didn’t recriminate, I didn’t even act too sad. It’s not a necessarily gross one or even an ugly one. I went to his apartment the next day to try to talk him out of it to no avail. Ive shown most of my friends and family the letter and they say its really good. What should I do ? You, too, will get over your ex. Were you blindsided by a breakup? Take a magnifying glass to your relationship and really examine if it was genuinely healthy, or if you overlooked a lot of problems in the name of being in love. What do you mean by restart? Before we broke up, I would always come over when he asked, txt when he asked, even have sex when he asked, etc even if I didn’t feel like it. I know school is the number one priority and it gets tough so I don’t fault him for that at all. I started to get a lot of assignments and he said “geez, you have been really busy lately” but the conversation didn’t really go much further than that. (With Chase Kosterlitz). It seems to me that he is sitting at his house drinking and trying to force himself to stop loving me and i’m sitting here loving him all because he has this idea that he can’t trust me and he can. “He said I did not have his back etc and that if he needed help he would have helped me etc.” I replied that “I didn’t know your full situation and you get uncomfortable when ever I try to pay for anything.” He called me later that day, asked me to lunch and began texting me in the morning for about a week. Marina and I both agreed that generally there are signs in a relationship for when a couple isn’t on the same wavelength. He can trust me 100% and i want a chance to prove that to him. Will take the rest soon. Don’t be friends with benefits. I love him so much and I am realizing mistakes I made and I am actively trying to fix them. Of course this was upsetting to me but i replied that i did and that i was leaving my house but i would leave it for him outside (that way we didn’t have a chance to see eachother). Blindside definition is - to hit unexpectedly from or as if from the blind side. That’s vulnerability and you deny yourself that at every turn. I was thinking of cutting the nc short, send him a text later this week to suggest a time to meet up (he might not even want to). The next day, I went to go get my laptop from his house and he was all over me and was crying telling me that he made a mistake. That he thought that we were destined for each other. The Grass is Greener Syndrome For Ex Boyfriends. The next week came and went and i didn’t hear anything from him. He was the perfect boyfriend, so considerate, generous and thoughtful. He will fight for me, his own bullshit be damned. But, now, today, I realize, you are correct- it really isn’t me. He has started to text me in normal way, to chat about different topics. We won’t change. The sudden shock can be devastating to your emotional well-being, which can severely increase the time you need to recover. The Premise Of My World Famous No Contact Rule- You are going to ignore your ex from anywhere between 21 to 45 days. So, I put a lot of thought into the protocols that you should implement if you were blindsided by your ex and here is what I settled on. In the beginning of our relationship we were having long distance, but spend summers living together. Your ex boyfriend had certain expectations of you after the breakup and you basically played into them. Maybe it’s a mid life crises or not but what’s apparent right now is that he has moved on. Hes been just as warm and affectionate as always. He was a self employeed construction worker so he was worried about finding work. He hasn’t felt the same for the past two months and he just wants to be alone and he thinks we don’t talk as much as we used to. He says that he still is very much in love with me and does not want to lose me, so that’s where my confusion lies. For example, I’ve stayed super busy so I don’t txt him back right away. thats when I eventually decided to leave the apartment and go stay with my family for a few days to let him be while “he needed to think.”. I stood still and handled my bullshit like a woman with that first blowup. I think by this time, you should move on. We didn’t have any contact thoughout the whole day. The betrayer has to live with guilt and shame knowing that their cowardice has deeply hurt someone they care for. It’s like my fears have been hardwired into my body after years of practice. When you're blindsided, … I’ve had a lot of time to think and i know that i want my ex back more than anything. It’s also important to note that you are almost the exact opposite of this right now. Required fields are marked *. She is 8 years younger. But you don’t deserve me, I now see. That he needed a proper night sleep and food. Is he intimidated by my financial situation in comparison to his? After we meet up and asking why he asked me out, he said he “justwanted to see whats up” we end up going back to his place to talk and end up sitting there for almost 8 hours. Just before he left he said “see you tonight”. I really love him, and know that he loves me too. I’ve lost that fun spark about me, i try to be happy but everyone sees right through me. So while staying there I cooked, and cleaned and did everything to make him happy and try to be less of a burden. He’s improved his communication a lot, being very attentive and I’ve stopped making things so easy for him/babying him. As I said, its been 11 days of no contact. Ok, use a topic that he loves talking about. Thiugh, the whole time he said that we cant be laying down like this because it was “inappropriate” which doesn’t make much sense to me. Nevertheless, I have identified four things that you need to do to improve your chances of self actualization. Well it is midterm time and I started to get slammed with assignments so i have been pretty busy but still seeing and talking to him just as much, until this past weekend. Would “through the holidays” be too long in NC? And do you care to guess what one of those topics were? After having this time to think, I have a new perspective about our relationship. I didnt talk that much. After you have been through a blindsiding breakup, your mind is going to struggle and try to make sense of the whole situation, which will bring up many old memories. It is a time in your life when you feel completely comfortable. It’s like he fell off the face of the earth. You are going to project something new that he hasn’t seen before. The idea here is to raise the chances that he will miss you while at the same time facilitating your own personal growth. That’s enough. Specifically meaning that you want to end it with me on “friendly terms” so that you can keep the door open. His dad left a company behind and since the death there has been a lot of family issues with the dads side. He is amazing. He said hes really been thinking about what I had said about giving it a chance. Once we hit a year and we both started new jobs, we started having some problems, but they seemed normal and we were genuinely happy together. He will respect you for it and you will be stronger as a couple. Now, before we get to the “nitty gritty” of being blindsided I have a story to tell you. He even said during our talk that he just wants some time to ourselves so we can get over each other and then we can be friends and do things normally, like he wants me to go over his house and cook dinners like we always do and watch movies on his couch or go out for drinks. But then I decided to come back and I stayed the night in the apartment. But you have to fight those urges, as they'll only cause you more pain. My boyfriend and I had been together for almost 5 years. It’s easy. I texted him that same night that we broke up and he didn’t respond. I really think that kid is your’s a very small chance that it’s a coincidence.. so that means you didnt actually did 30 days.. I think he will respond positively and I want to show him we can change the circumstances. Hope holiday treated you well”. He wanted to meet my family and friends who all loved him as well. Ok, so now that we know how the no contact rule fits into this where does self actualization fit in? If it doesn’t work it doesn’t work. Imagine that every time your partner confronts you about something you do wrong you have this uncanny habit to start a fight and avoid taking the blame when you know, deep down that you are wrong. It annoys me that he tells my friend that hes not been in contact with me because he doesn’t want to send the wrong signals but then he acts so happy when I text him. He told me so…so this break up…blew me out of the water…I’m a fucking wreck. “Hey, you might want to look in to this” Ive forwarded you the email”. I am not (name deleted). He said something along the lines of “Geez, you’ve been really busy recently!” and my response was “yeah, well this will be my life for the next 2 years” (that’s when i graduate) and he said “well i guess i can’t be mad because i pick up a lot of overtime, lol.” This conversation happened at the end of last week. Then I said goodbye, he hugged me again for about a minute, and then i came home. At first I thought it was another reason that he didn’t want to tell me, like lost feelings or seeing someone else. I also noticed that he is very vocal on social media, he debates a lot about political and social issues on Facebook and those can get intense to where he let’s what they say get to him. but it can take longer than 2 months this time before you actually see progress with him again. On the hunt for more breakup advice? Since you didn't see any red flags or warning signs, it's natural to feel as though there's something you can do to make things better. Many times since the incident occurred, he has told me how proud he was of me that he can trust me again and that I really proved myself to him. This makes you desperate to get your previous reality back. Thanksgiving he texted me and I replied several hours later. Also, Ive got some exciting news I think you’d love to hear”. Everything has been going good in our relationship and I had no idea that he wanted to just breakup like this. On average, we get a little over half a million visitors who come to this website every single month. Anyways, apart from this everything has been great. Heck, even during the summer months just so I could hide it. Before I left I told him that I loved him and I cared about him and I wanted him to be a part of my life and he was crying. did he meet her during the relationship? Don’t get me wrong. I want to let go of all hope I have but its hard. It just seems like there so much unknown at this point (everything is just speculation at this point) and i just want answers and hopefully my relationship back. For those of us who are betrayed, our entire sense of selves come into question. I love him so much and I know he loves me. I’m working on me and recovering during NC but I’m nervous about those first few contacts. I’ve been exercising every day, eating healthy (as a result of both of those, I’ve lost fifteen pounds and I even ran a 5k), seeing a counselor in-person once a week, signed up to volunteer at an animal shelter, accepting every single social invitation offered to me, and this Saturday I’m leaving for a two week trip to India and Sri Lanka with my mom. When he gets to his senses, talk.. honestly it looks like miscommunication.. He couldn’t deal with her constantly nagging him and getting him to do things and then complain about it. Suddenly, he starts saying how he can’t make me happy and that I need time to work on myself, and that he wasn’t happy either (complete news to me). This happened to me a few days ago. I mean, the professors made it seem like it was some sort of mystical unicorn. 😉 He started to cry even more, so much he couldn’t speak. Now we have broken up once before for basically the same reasons where he gets in a depressive mode and shuts down and feels that he can’t make me happy even though that’s not the case at all. As Nancy Ruth Deen, relationship expert and owner of HELLOBreakup, tells Bustle, many people get blindsided by breakups because they focus on what they want the relationship to … He even went all through Christmas without a single text. During our meetings he was talking about girls which we wanted to date or something. In fact, it’s the core strategy behind my teachings on self development and personal growth which means it also ties directly into self actualization. Someone who has achieved self actualization would understand the reality and not just accept it but be ok with it. I need a man. I have also been helping out my mom with my grandma at the nursing home. The week after Christmas there was a weirdness between the two of us. I was emotional spent and couldn’t handle it anymore. There's almost nothing worse than being totally blindsided by a breakup: it's confusing, painful, and really difficult to move on from. Blindside definition: to tackle , hit, or attack (an opponent) from the blind side | Meaning, pronunciation, translations and examples He would initiated contact with me and I responded as minimally as possible. I just kept saying that I didn’t understand and I asked him what he wanted and he said that he didn’t know. Please please help, He seems to miss me.. For example, I gave you one of mine regarding the embarrassing story I told you above. The side on which one's vision, especially the peripheral vision, is limited or obstructed. Towards the end of the summer I got a new job which was a pretty stressful transition for me and simultaneously he began to have some temporary financial difficulties and his children moved to another state. This makes sense, but it would have been understandable for me in the beginning of our relationship. Even if I think that you probably shouldn’t get back with your ex I firmly believe that you need to come to that realization on your own. I honestly thought he was going to say he was just dating for fun considering he would be graduating soon. Yeah..I think you should let him cool down.. Plan fun nights with your friends, join a club, take up a new hobby—anything you can do to keep yourself busy and distract yourself from the pain of losing someone you care about. Almost like they have this sixth sense…. you shouldn’t have to ask me that! Everything was amazing(we were dating for 3 months)…I was the perfect girlfriend…compared to his ex…I’m prettier, (probably) funnier, we joke around about a lot of the same stuff. It only lasted about 4 days before my boyfriend found out. Anywhere in mind? I wrote: “I would love to meet for a meal or drink next Friday at 19. I just don’t understand what happened! Trust me. While we were there, we talked about going to a Virginia Tech game the weekend after the election, and just two days before that, we had been talking about going to his family’s vacation house for Thanksgiving. In fact, in high school it was the sole reason that I didn’t even entertain a date until I was a senior and not to sound arrogant or anything but I am pretty good looking. we have to go one weekend!” and we made plans for us to see each other this week. I’m starting NC today. A guy that blindsided my friend with a breakup told me this in private when I asked him why he did it, and he made me swear up and down I would never tell her that was the reason! He said he didn’t know. Learn more. stop being sleeping with him. He cried even more saying something about how its not fair on me to always have to spend my holiday in Dubai (hes British but they live out there) because he have to run errands there all the time. So Amor, Chris, and team, again thank y’all so much for everything so far and I hope me giving updates will help me be as helpful to you as you were to me <3 🙂, Ps. I know your mind is made up but can you tell me what made your feelings change? Another thing was that I found out in May that he had been writing to girls hes slept with telling them how beautiful they are. His family friends still have no clue as they’re commenting on my pictures like were still together etc. You hurt me to core of my soul and now I have to be the one to run. Now, society is a funny thing because it has this ideal version of how it expects a human being to be. He said no. Here's her story... Hi Jane, My question is how do I move on after being blindsided by this breakup? That would make it about 6 weeks. How can I be friends with my Prince charming. So I asked how he was feeling. Well, I am a big believer of letting you go through your own process. The whole night he also jusy kept saying to me “casandra you’re so beautiful. It is his idea but you have your own decision. Amor! My friends and family have been taking me out to get my mind off of it, I’ve even tried talking to some guys. So, looking at these three categories if you want to see extreme personal growth every action you take should be geared towards improving each category. I am applying the no-contact rule, I did send him a Merry Christmas text and thanked him for the gift he bought my daughter (not his). Wow!!! On top of providing you the best match for your query it also would save your query so I could look at it and see what you are searching for. However, that just isn't the case. I just wanted to keep him happy. A week or so later he called me to see if I wanted to go to lunch and I said I can’t but can we chat about something later (I have a major ceremony coming up I was going to invite him to). Just looking at the text the day before he broke up he was making sure I was ok, said he missed me and was looking forward too tonight. Whether It Was From Cheating In A Relationship Or Being Left By Your Spouse, This Sudden Blindsiding Can Crush You. Right on my neck and I absolutely hate it. So my ex broke up with me a month ago, saying that he needed to focus on his career. Anyway, I think reality finally sank in and I’m having a difficult time trying to act like this break up hasn’t phased me anymore. Its just absurd. I felt so secured. I don’t understand. How long you’ve been together isn’t as important as the fact that you thought you were happy. Mildly curious of others experiences, I read a little of this site. I just got broken up with yesterday and this was honestly a big blindside for me. I want to own my own happiness, but I still also really want him back. Do i have a chance in getting him back? I think it meant what it said.. After all this happened, my relationship with my boyfriend improved drastically. My parents were in complete shock. We sat down and discussed what the options were and what would be best. All I wanted to do was to put this behind us and move forward, but I struggled as I didn’t receive the apology I needed (just for him to tell me he is really sorry and what he could do to make me feel better). When you're blindsided by a breakup, it's often tempting to try and fix whatever your partner thinks is wrong with the relationship. He found a new place for us to move. I hope you are well, take care of yourself” Look, your ex blindsided you for a number of reasons and I don’t want you to fall into the same mistake that I see time and time again from women. The best thing you can do is create some separation between you and your ex, whether that's deleting their number, blocking them on social media, avoiding them in the hallways or anything else you might need to do to give yourself space to heal. There was a bit of an age difference- I being 40 and he 32. Please help me. We were not intimate for several weeks even though he was living with me. I think you are on dating sites and talking to others and want to keep your options open. Although i respect his curiosity, im desperate and lost. I never really nagged him about time. He mentioned that my job was stressing him out as I was constantly talking about it. Hi! Just be friends first. Ok, so now that you have a general idea for why “blindside breakups” happen let’s move on to talking about what to do when they happen. Go back to the social media, reconnect with friends, stop chasing. Mind you, it was a great opportunity and we ’ ve stopped making things so for. 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